“[She] went deeper into black, deeper into white…”

I’m having a rare losing battle with my SAD between yesterday and today, to the point that I was sitting at my desk crying early this morning, and scaring the crap out of my husband. It’s hard for people who don’t suffer depression or SAD to understand that it’s not something that can just be switched on & off, that you can’t just “be happy” and be over it. I’ve had to tell Jay on more than one occasion that even though I know he likes to “fix” things, it’s just not that simple. Luckily, today happens to be a sunny day, and even though it’s frigid as all get-out, I will take my time and bask in what little sunlight I can. I’d like to think that tomorrow, as we’re expected to get more snow, I’ll drag my butt out of bed and do some form of exercise. I need to. Another thing I’m bummed about is the fact that 10 of the 20 lbs. I lost on Weight Watchers last year have come back, and I’ll be damned if they haven’t all settled right around my midsection. No wonder someone thought I was pregnant. And I know, only I can change it. It’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy…I feel like crap anyway, because of the lack of sunshine & vitamin D, so then of course, my brain starts to think of every other little reason why I suck as a human being, and one of the first things is my weight. When I started Weight Watchers, I remember commenting that I longed for the days when I weighed 132 lbs., and thought that was “fat.” I know now that is healthy. But because I feel like a cow, I figure, “What the hell?” and I stuff myself with refined carbs until I feel sick, and then I start feeling like a horrible person again, lather, rinse, repeat.

And after bursting into tears and then putting on my big girl pants and sucking it up, I went into the kitchen and did the one thing that helps me out almost as much as exercising or being in sunshine:


I started cooking. I never got around to getting stuff ready for beef stew yesterday (although I did bake 2 loaves of bread), so I got to work on it today. That, and we ended up going out to eat anyway, so I didn’t have to worry about it. I also got to test out some new meat that I picked up at Pomegranate Market:


This was a monster-sized round steak:


The process of cutting the meat and vegetables up helped calm my semi-addled brain. And browning the meat made the kitchen smell homey & comforting. Plus, any time I can use my crock pot, I am a happy camper.


I think I went a little overboard with potatoes, but I don’t really care.


I even put 4 carrots in there for Jay & the bambino, since they both really like cooked carrots. Jay had to pop into work for about an hour while I was doing all this, and he came home just as I finished. Because he is a “fixer,” he stopped by the grocery store to get a bunch of things that he hoped would cheer me up:


In case I’m craving salty stuff–And because he knows I’m feeling a little sensitive about my weight these days, he figured the brown rice chips would be a “safer” snack than potato chips (although chips of any kind are dangerous for me, because I will most likely eat that entire bag in one sitting, once I open it). And in case it was sweets that I needed:


Yeah, I already opened it and ate a couple. And because I’m a coffee junkie:


Coffee will at least help the headache I have from crying. Jay also knows my favorite meal ever is steak with a baked potato (and a salad in summer, corn in the winter), so he bought me these:


And if all that failed to cheer me up (his words, not mine), he bought more of the one thing he knew above all else would make me smile:


More Fage! I will say that it is really nice having someone in your corner who knows you that well, and is willing to go to bat for you. And so, I’m trying to suck it up and at least be in a civil mood, especially since we’re headed over to Jay’s folks’ to do Christmas this afternoon. If nothing else, the bambino will have a good time getting some presents.

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2 Replies to ““[She] went deeper into black, deeper into white…””

    • I’m getting over it–I think. I got a little bit of sunshine, so I think I’m good. Now, if I can just drag my butt out of bed tomorrow & actually DO something (besides sit at the computer drinking coffee), I’ll be okay!